Logic, Angst, Crying, Abs: Who Are The Pevensies?
by prplemyth
Summary: Random, parody-ish story about what MAY have happened in the first few days after the Pevensie Children were coronated.
1. Don't Drink and Ink

A/N: Hey, it's me again with a new obsession, therefore a new kind of fanfic

**A/N: Hey, it's me again with a new obsession, therefore a new kind of fanfic! This is basically what I came up with after realized that each of the Pevensie kids have prominent trait(s) that are easily made fun of (in a purely harmless way, of course). This story is the result of exaggerating them to the extreme and throwing it all together, and it's also basically a humorous "what if" for the few days after their coronation.**

**There are random salutes to the amusing stuff said in the commentary of LWW, lines from the movie, the BBC Narnia mini series, my emo-off with my friend Tom, a few other amusing things said by my friends and a song my friend Kayleen sings. All. The. Time.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own (this is a long list): The Chronicles of Narnia, the Olsen Twins, Lucky Charms, Jackson Pollock, Mary Sues (but not owning them is a very good thing in my opinion), Romeo and Juliet, BBC Narnia Series, Why Can't We Be Friends, Mariska Hargitay or the Love Guru. Heck, I don't even own my car.**

It was a lovely day at Cair Paravel, where the two Son's of Adam kings and the two Daughter's of Eve queens resided. Each young royal was in their new room, when out of nowhere: "WHAT have I told you about drawing graffiti on random things in your room, Edmund? That is not the proper way for a King to behave," said the recently crowned King Peter as he walked into Edmund's room.

Edmund looked up from his artful masterpiece. Well, it was actually a completely bizarre blob of purple and green paint that he threw at the wall (he was having a Jackson Pollock day) and smeared around to make hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers and blue moons (that ended up being green), pots of gold (these were actually purple) and rainbows (of green and purple) and some red balloons (that turned out to be purple).

"SHUT UP! YOU THINK YOU'RE THE HOT ONE, BUT YOU'RE NOT!" Edmund yelled to Peter. He pushed past Peter, ran out of the room, and when he reached the stairs he dramatically yelled, "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY ART! I'm sick of this world! I'm going to go in my room to listen to music while my ageless soul is repressed by this immature world!!" He continued running until he realized he just WAS in his room, and ran back to his actual room that he was just in, and put his head under his pillow saying, "Angst. Angst. Pain in my soul."

Lucy, who heard this as she played with Mr. Teddy and Mrs. Teddy, came out of her living chambers and walked in to Edmund's room to talk to Peter. "Is Edmund having another one of his emo child moments?" she asked Peter, looking down at Edmund (who, although he had his head under a pillow, could still hear.)

"Ah, yes he is, my dear sister."

"Peter, stop talking like that. And put a shirt on, no one needs to see that."

Peter was shocked. "But I'm known to so many as 'that hot kid in that Narnia movie'! I can't just renounce my title! I have to keep it up for the fangirls! And what's the point of having washboard abs if not to show the off?"

Lucy stared at him and completely brushed off the last sentence. "Don't tell me that a Mary Sue has hoodwinked you again…"

Peter gasped. "Marietta Suzette isn't a Mary Sue! She's my new love, all beautiful and stylish and her curly brown hair flows to the floor in lovely waves! She has perfectly sized feet and she's got the most perfect complexion! She's the most beautiful girl in the world."

"Peter. Say her name again SLOWLY."

"Mar-y-et-ta Suze-ette." Peter paused. "Oh dear."

"Yes. Now realize that she's the most beautiful girl in the world, and we're in Narnia where we are technically supposed to be the only human beings, and that you somehow pay a strange amount of attention to her complexion and foot size."

Peter stared. "Oh. Right. MARIETTA SUZETTE!"

The Mary Sue flounced in. "Yes, Peter, my love?"

"We're over. You don't exist. You are a creation of a deranged, over zealous fangirl."

"I… WHAT?!" And with that, Marietta Suzette dissolved, for Mary Sues only exist if the one the Mary Sue is in love with believes in her.

"Thanks for that Lucy. You're a real life saver."

Lucy rolled her eyes. "I know. Well, then, Mr. and Mrs. Teddy need to go finish their dinner. Tomorrow night they are having Mrs. Teddy's parents over for dinner, so tensions are high as they prepare for the stress."

Peter laughed in a kingly way. "Lucy, not all of us have your imagination."

Lucy's face began to twitch as if she was about to cry. "I wouldn't LIE about this!"

"I never said you were lying," said Peter, confused beyond words. "I'm sure it's very stressful for your Teddy bears. Now I have to be all kingly and manly and supposed-to-be-13-but-actually-18. Now where are those ladies in waiting of yours…"

As the time cut ain't very good, Lucy's face was screwed up in this horrible way as she sobbed. She stopped her fake-sobbing-that-peculiarly-looks-like-manic-giggling to yell, "PETER!"

"What? They like to watch me be kingly!"

Lucy shook her head. "If he isn't careful, he's gonna get another Mary Sue all over him."

"Yeah," she responded to herself, "Edmund's never been the same since that one Mary Sue decided Edmund was to pull a Romeo and kill himself for her. He barely made if out of there."

"That was a bad moment for all."

Peter, as he was still in the room, stared at Lucy. "Lucy!"

"Yes, Peter?" asked both Lucys simultaneously.

"You're not supposed to be talking to yourself. BBC Version Edmund is the schizophrenic one, remember?"

Both Lucys laughed. "Ah, yes, you are right." With that, Lucy became one again.

Peter sauntered out the door (still sans shirt) and smiled as Lucy's handmaiden (who was outside the door just in case Peter came out before Lucy)'s mouth dropped open.

"Oh yeah. I still got it."

Lucy took this long to realize she was still in Edmund's room. At this point, Edmund looked traumatized, as any memory of that Mary Sue incident sends him into a nearly catatonic state.

"Edmund? Are you okay?" asked Lucy. Edmund nodded. "Yeah, I'm… I'm a little better." He smiled tentatively.

"Are you still angsty and emo?"

Edmund stopped smiling and remembered he was supposed to be the angsty/emo kid.

"Edmund, you need to quit it with this whole I'm-an-angsty-unloved teenager thing. First of all, because you are only ten, and, second of all, because you are now King."

"I am only king of my broken heart." At this, Edmund pulled open his shirt (to many fangirls utter joy) to show a tattoo of a shattered heart on his chest.

"EDMUND!" shouted Lucy. "When did you get this done?!"

"While drinking tea with Tumnas and the beavers last Tuesday. It's to symbolize how my heart was crushed when - "

"YOU'RE TEN! YOU - "

"YOU'RE EIGHT!" shouted Edmund.

Lucy stared. "Yes, I am, but that's besides the point. I was trying to say that you're ten and you're not old enough to get your heart crushed! AND even if you did I wouldn't care when. Where is Tumnas?"

"Why are you looking for him?" asked Edmund as he rebuttoned his shirt (cue fangirl sobs).

"I'm going to yell at him. Because that 'stop it!' was my only yelling line in the whole of the movie, so I want to go yell more!"

"Why…?"

"That wasn't the real reason, genius. I actually want to yell BECAUSE TUMNAS IS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR FRIEND, AND FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS DRINK AND INK!" And with that, Lucy stormed out of the room.

"Ah well," thought Edmund, "now I can angst in peace." At this, he began to brush his hair over his eyes and say, "Angst. Angst. Pain in my soul," over and over again, as it is his mantra.

Lucy, angry at Tumnas for not restraining the 10-year-old Edmund from getting a tattoo that he'd regret in about 1 week, 2 days, 10 hours and 15 minutes, stormed down the stairs to find the faun.

Of course, she, being Lucy and a little bit less coordinated than the others, tripped on the hem of her dress, flew down the last 5 stairs, and started crying. Susan came over to her.

"Lucy, why are you sitting at the bottom of the stairs?"

"I sniff fell," sniffed Lucy, as could be seen from the "sniff"s in the sentence.

"Stop pretending, Lucy. That's enough."

"I wouldn't LIE about this!" At this, Lucy paused. She could have sworn she'd said that less than 15 minutes ago.

"Now, now, let me be the obnoxiously logical sister and work out how big of a Bandaid ™ you need for that cut on your knee." With this, Susan sat down with a pen and pencil and began to figure out the trigonometry of the deal.

Lucy started laughing at this. "Jeez, Susan, I already did that! I'm the smart one of the family, remember? With the White Witch's fake castle - "

"SHHH! Lucy, we need the audience to believe the CGI!"

Lucy rolled her eyes," Right anyway, I am the cute one. You're just my sister."

Susan glared. "YOU WISH! I am the… Oh, forget it with the random 90's Olsen Twin songs. Anyway…Yeah…Well…I GET TO GO TO AMERICA AND I'M THE PRETTY SISTER!"

Lucy looked horrified. "Susan!" she whispered to her sister, "Susan,that happens in the Dawn Treader! You can't tell people about that now!"

"Oh. Right." Susan looked around awkwardly. "So…I'm gonna go primp and brush my hair and be the pretty one."

Lucy rolled her eyes. "You anger me."

She continued out into the courtyard, where she saw Mr. Beaver and Mr. Tumnas with pipes in their mouths, playing poker. Tumnas had removed his scarf.

Apparently it was strip poker, which Lucy didn't well understand, as all Tumnas wore was that scarf and Mr. Beaver was just furry and needed no clothing.

Shaking off the confusion, Lucy stormed over to the pair.

"TUMNAS!!" She shouted with excessive punctuation. "Why in Aslan's name did you let Edmund get a tattoo of a broken heart?"

Tumnas stared. "Why, because he asked us to, and he knew Peter wouldn't let him."

"That would be because he is ten."

"He needed a way to show the world that his heart was shattered."

Lucy threw her arms up. "HE'S GOING THROUGH AN EMO PHASE! IT SHOULD BE OVER IN 1 WEEK, 2 DAYS, 10 HOURS AND 15 MINUTES!"

Susan stuck her head out the window. "Actually, it would be closer to 9 minute now, Lu." She stated logically.

"Susan, shut UP!"

"Lucy! How dare you speak to Mothe-SUSAN like that?! You're 8!" shouted Peter as he stuck his head out the window three up and two to the left of Susan's window.

"WHY ARE YOU ALL YELLING AT ME?! I DIDN'T GET THE TATTOO!" And with that, Lucy began to sob. Again.

Out of nowhere, from the front door, came Edmund singing.

"Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends?"

Being enough of a distraction to stop Lucy's singing, Peter's overly Kingish and moronic attitude and Susan's out of place logicality, Edmund smiled. "Well, I can see that we're all content now. Shall I bring out the flower cookies and the Lipton Iced Tea now?" The group nodded, stunned. "Mariska Hargitay."

Everyone stared at him. Peter from the top window looked down at everyone else."Well I guess we were off about the phase timing."

Lucy nodded. "Apparently he's in his hippie stage."

Susan shook her head. "Nope, it's his Love Guru stage."

Peter stared, horrified. "DON'T LET HIM PUT ME WITH A MARY SUE!"

**A/N2: There it is! I hope you liked it! Well, review if you think I should do another chapter of this. I assure you, it will be no less random. I attribute the randomness of this one to listening to Crazy Frog, the Mamma Mia! soundtrack and the Prince Caspian soundtrack intermittently. Oh dear…Pierce Brosnan is singing again…**

**Anyway, if it does turn out that I make another chapter, any suggestions will definitely be considered, as this level of randomness is sometimes dangerous for one person to write on their own, and I always appreciate feedback : ).**


	2. Random Crossover, Anyone?

a/n: I decided I would write a new chapter as I watched men's beach volleyball of the Olympics, because I was waiting for Ryan Lochte or Michael Phelps or something along those lines, so this is going to be slightly unfocused and remarkably random

**a/n: I decided I would write a new chapter as I watched men's beach volleyball of the Olympics, because I was waiting for Ryan Lochte or Michael Phelps or something along those lines, so this is going to be slightly unfocused and remarkably random.**

**Yeah, like the other one was SOOOOO organized…**

**Anyway, thank you very mucholy to Monkey, for the suggestions and compliments and for the Tumnus thing, I was totally out of it when I was writing the story and I've always seen "Tumnus" with an "A" so I think I just had a momentary lapse of brain mass.**

**For all the other reviews, I appreciate it SO much. Although this was my first ever Narnia fanfic, this was the most reviews I think I'd ever gotten on a single chapter, including Harry Potter fanfics. It's my life goal to be a best-selling author, so knowing people enjoy my stories makes my day.**

**So I'm gonna stop blabbering and start the epic list of disclaimers! Yay!**

**I do NAHT own: Love Guru, Narnian anything, Nastia Liukin, the Olympics, any of the dances outlined in the dance off, Carlisle Cullen (oh how I wish I did), the Joker (I am so happy I don't - I hate clowns and anything like them), and anything else you recognize? NAHT MINE! Emo comments are mine, however, because I make them up all the time to amuse my mom. She finds them hilarious for some reason.**

**Note: As I am positively terrified of clowns, I have not seen Dark Knight, so the details of the Joker are exaggerated and twisted so I won't make a fool of myself trying to make up things that MAY be in the movie.**

Lucy smacked herself in the face with an angry mermaid for the 857,457th time in the last hour.

"Edmund, for Aslan's sake, quit playing that idiotic instrument!" she yelled in exasperation.

"It is a sitar. Shut up. You are too young to understand!" and he continued strumming pointlessly without any harmony, melody, chords, anything. He didn't know any songs of any kind and had no idea how to play the sitar, guitar, or anything else that ends with "tar", as he was not musical unless it was "listening to his heartstrings be plucked by the pain of life" as he would have put it during his emo phase.

But right now he is in his love guru stage so he's now attempting to pluck at the happy heartstrings of others with his not-music (not working by the way).

He began to sing. This was a bad experience for everyone in Narnia.

"AHHHHH!" screamed the little centaurs in torment.

"AHHHH!" screamed the little dwarves in anguish.

"AHHHHH!" screamed the little dragons in agony.

"CHEESE CURLS!" screamed the little mice in delight that the picnic their mother made for them included their favorite snack.

Edmund, as he had earplugs in (to get into the "Liukin" zone like Nastia Liukin does, as he put it, but this makes no sense as he is not a super intense Olympic champion, therefore needs no zone to get into, and also he is badly playing sitar, not owning at gymnastics) could not hear any of these pained screams of terror (or delighted screams of cheesitude) and mistakenly took Lucy's agony-stricken expression as a look of emotion drawn from the depths of her soul by his (pathetic excuse for) music.

Edmund continued to play, and then out of nowhere began to twitch.

Lucy sat up in horror. "PETER! MOTHE-SUSAN! GET DOWN HERE! THE PSYCHO KID IS TWITCHING!"

Peter galloped gallantly down the gargantuan stairs and grinned like a goofball at his younger sister, Lucy, who slapped the Authoress for the pointless string of alliterations.

"OW!" shouted the authoress. "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"

The Authoress wrote in that Lucy had early had her head shaved in a freak cheese grater accident, so that now Lucy was a bald 8-year-old queen.

"Haha!" laughed the Authoress, although that was redundant because of the "haha" that she typed about 13 seconds ago.

Peter, continuing his gallant galloping (picture authoress wincing to avoid another slap) down the stairs and landed like James Marsden in Enchanted. "HELLOOOOOOO Young SISTER! What art thou screaming about?! And why are you bald as an oyster?"

"Never mind that! Look at Edmund!" he turned to the youngest Pevensie male, who, throughout all this randomosity, was still twitching.

"HARK! HE IS TWITCHING!" shouted Peter.

Lucy, again, rolled her eyes. "Nice one, Captain Obvious."

During this little extravaganza, Susan was delicately placing each foot on each stair as she descended, trying not to break any nails, injure her poor li'le toes, or make her hands turn blue again, as they are always cold even in 100 degrees of heat.

"Hello, my siblings, what is this rumpus that I am hearing?"

"Edmund's twitching again."

"That's highly unfortunate. Shall we call the physician?"

Lucy sighed. "Aw, do I have to?"

Peter smiled an uncharacteristically evil and unkingly smile. "Yes. Yes you do."

"WE DIDN'T PLAY NOSE GOES!" shouted Lucy, and proceeded to shout, "NOT IT!", shoved her finger on her nose nearly breaking it, and threw herself to the ground. We're all nearly sure she broke something.

Peter looked around in a James Bond-ish way, ripped off his shirt in a very characteristic WillMo way, showing off his abs, and began to do one armed pushups with his left hand pinky on his nose.

Susan, as she is a pansy ass who is so obnoxiously dainty, lost nose goes, and it was then that she realized that she had to call the doctor.

Dun.

Dun.

DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

She looked up at the authoress. "I don't see why you're doing the whole dramatic music, as - "

At this, a random piece of duct tape covering her mouth. It was inexplicable. Unless you are the authoress, in that case it is because she was about to reveal a secret that Miss Authoress was keeping quiet.

She angrily mumbled her way out the door and began mumbling not angrily.

After a while, it began that she was mumbling confusedly. She looked at Lucy.

"Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm!"

Lucy didn't not understand this as "Please take this damn duct tape off me, you moron!"

Instead, she heard "Everytime We Touch" by Cascada, and she began to dance to it.

"Yes, lets dance!" shouted Peter (still shirtless, girls, you're lucky) and he began to boogie like it was 1979. Being Peter, he believed he was Captain Cool, or General Groovemeister, or Colonel Crazycat, Officer Off-the-heezy, and all other moronic alliterations, so he was doing pelvic thrusts, the twist, the bump, the hustle, the freak, a creative interpretation of Ice Ice Baby, the Macarena, Cotton-Eyed Joe and a lovely version of "STOP! Hammer time!" Needless to say, it was hilarious to watch, and then it got to the point where you were embarrassed to be watching it.

Kinda like when you're watching The Saddle Club.

Which the Authoress totally did NOT spend an hour watching today.

Susan, at this point, was pissed past the point of prissyness (snicker alliterations snicker), and stomped her feet, waved her arms and kicked the air.

"I'm liking that move Susan!" shouted Peter, still shirtlessly dancing to no music, as Susan was not trying to say anything anymore. He imitated her.

Lucy stood by, laughing, as she had stopped dancing to surrender to the merciless, body shaking, lung bursting shrieks of laughter.

Susan took a deep breath and ripped the duct tape furiously off her mouth. It was bright red. "STOP!"

Peter and Lucy did.

"I was NOT singing a song where the singer had not been born yet! I was saying, "please get this damn duct tape off me you moron!"

Lucy pondered this like a pondering thing. "Ah, I see where I made that mistake."

Rolling her eyes, Susan called, "OOOOOH DOCTOR!"

In case you care, Edmund is still twitching, and Peter is still shirtless.

Out of nowhere, responding to Susan's call, Carlisle Cullen appeared majestically out of nowhere. "Hello, friends. Where is the trouble?"

"Right over there, sir, we called the best doctor around!"

He stared in all his sparkly vampire glory. "But…I'm not even in your universe, let alone 'around'. Why'd you call me?" His face of perfection stared Peter's shirtlessness down. "You can't keep up with this." Carlisle smiled, his teeth glittering vampirically.

"I believe the term is," said Peter, "U CAN'T TOUCH THIS!" The music began playing out of nowhere. The two hot people began to set up a dance off, when Susan and Lucy slapped both people at once, made them stop dancing.

"STOP IT!" yelled Lucy, "This isn't going to help Edmund!"

"Lucy's right," said Peter gallantly.

"Okay. So what do we do to help my twitching brother?" asked Susan.

Carlisle thought for a moment. "Ahh so that's why you called me. To help your brother. Wait," he paused, "I've read these books. So why didn't you just use Lucy's cordial?"

The Pevensies who were not named Edmund looked at each other. "Why didn't we think of that?"

"I don't know, Susan," said Peter, "We should probably try that." They walked over to Edmund.

Or should I say…Where Edmund WAS.

They hear a maniacal laugh from above. Carlisle, Susan, Peter and Lucy all look up, horrified.

Edmund smiled with white and red makeup all over his face. "Why so serious?"

Lucy screamed. "I WANT MOMMY!!"

Peter turned to Lucy. "Susan's right here."

"NO YOU DUMMY, I WANT REAL MOMMY!" Lucy began to sob. "I want my mommy! Edmund, you're scaring me!" and with that, Lucy sprinted frantically up to her room.

Peter was putting on his shirt at this point (sorry girls), as he did not want any uncomfortable cat fights between him and his brother to end in his abs being defiled.

"Edmund get your ass down from there!" shouted Mr. Beaver, who inexplicably arrived out of nowhere..

Of course, Edmund gunned him down with his Joker face paint.

"What is your problem, Edmund? Mr. Beaver never did anything bad to you!"

"HE CALLED ME PALE!"

Crickets chirped.

Dogs barked.

Cats meowed.

Michael Phelps did his victory cry.

Lucy crept down the stairs with a bowl of popcorn.

And still, no other humans in Narnia were moving.

"Er. Edmund?"

"Do I get a phone call?"

"This is Narnia, oh short brother of mine, no phones. But you are covered in white face paint. Making you paler."

Edmund scoffed. "OH YOU'D TALK ABOUT PALE, Mr. I'm-the-only-Pevensie-who-has-a-normal-skintone. And you slapped my legs when I had a sunburn!"

Peter looked offended. "I may not be pasty - "

"HEY!" shouted Lucy and Susan.

"Sorry, girls. Anyway, I may not be abnormally pale, but at least I'm not written as the black sheep of the family! And also, you're the only one with brown eyes! We all have blue!"

They all looked at one another and realized Peter was right.

Edmund looked appalled. "I may be the black sheep, but that's what makes me endearing! I grow to be the most developed character of the whole series! And my brown eyes are hot! Authoress even says so!"

All those in Narnia looked up to the Authoress. She shrugged. "What? It's true!"

"BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE HOT ONE!" shouted Peter, momentarily distracted from his scary brother.

The Authoress sighed. "Sorry, but I kinda like the tall, dark and handsome bit more than the typical blonde. I have backup on this one, sorry guys."

Edmund/Joker snickered. "Haha. I've got a fan other than Tilda Swinton!"

Edmund started twitching again.

Lucy rolled her eyes. "Oh dear JESUS, not again!"

"A-men to that one, sister," said Peter, completely ignoring the fact that Edmund had just fallen - still twitching - off the chandelier he had been perched on, right on top of both Carlisle and the face cream covered Mr. Beaver, who both screamed and struggled to remove themselves from the uncomfortable situation.

"YOU GUYS ARE SCARY! I'M GOING HOME!" yelled Carlisle.

"Funny," pondered Lucy, "that it's coming from a vampire."

Edmund, still twitching, said, "C-C-C-C-C-CORDIAL!"

Lucy came over to him. "What's wrong?"

"I THINK I BROKEN SOME'N!"

"Oh-kay!" Lucy dripped some of the cordial into Edmund's mouth. He stopped twitching.

"Hmmm, it seems to cure mental problems as well! I feel non stupid now!"

Lucy embraced her newly unstupified brother, and the two searched for Susan and Peter. The two heard awkward noises from upstairs and chopping noises from the kitchen.

They decided it would be less scarring to investigate the chopping.

They walked in to find Mr. Tumnus and Susan chopping up carrots, which they assumed were for dinner.

"Carrots for dinner?" asked Edmund.

"No. We're using them for spears in tomorrow's jousting match."

"REALLY?!" shouted Edmund and Lucy.

"NO YOU MORONS!" shouted Susan. "Jeeze, I thought you said the cordial made you not stupid."

The two youngest frowned and stormed out of the room and found themselves upstairs.

The awkward noises were continuing.

"I'm not going in," said Edmund, "You go in!"

"You go in!" whispered Lucy.

"I'm not going in," said Edmund, "You go in!"

"You go in!" whispered Lucy.

"I'm not going in," said Edmund, "You go in!"

"You go in!" whispered Lucy.

"I'm not going in," said Edmund, "You go in!"

"You go in!" whispered Lucy.

"I'm not going in," said Edmund, "You go in!"

"You go in!" whispered Lucy.

"DO YOU TWO MIND?!" shouted Peter. "I'M BUSY!"

The two youngest Pevensies stared. Peter was no longer wearing a shirt - again - and they heard, "Petey? Everything okay?"

"Peter who the heck is in there?" asked Edmund.

"Guys," said Peter, "I'd like you to meet Marisa Suerena!"

Lucy and Edmund stared at each other. "Ohhhhh God no…"

"NO NO! Guys, don't think that! She's not a Mary Sue! Her name is Marisa Suerena!"

"He's never gonna learn, is he?"

"Unlikely."

**a/n2: Hope you like this! It was all written in about 3 hours while watching the Olympics. And I need to get to bed. If this is badly edited, please don't be annoyed :P. **

**Review! It makes me feel better!**


	3. Cheese Snakes and Getting Laid

**A/N: Hello. So, you probably all hate me for taking this long. But I'm now going to be a senior in high school so it's a bitty bit difficult to do anything school related easily, let alone non school. I have so much AP everything work I should be doing right now instead of this. BUT I HAVE INSPIRATION! Joys!**

**Anyway. Randomtime! Start up the randomometer.**

**Enjoy people! And please, for the love of all things Narnian, refrain from sending an angry mob to kill me after the huge delay between the last chapter and this one.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything basically. And there's a reference to the new Star Trek movie.**

"Peter, you need to stop going into strange rooms with strange girls with names that resemble Mary Sue."

Peter gasped. "Marisa is not a Mary Sue! She taught me how to straighten my hair! And look," Peter opened the door so Lucy and Edmund could see his whole body. "I DIED M Y HAIR BLACK AND GOT A TATTOO!"

Lucy blinked. "Peter. You stole Edmund's plot point of the first chapter. Honestly. Update things a little."

"YOU THINK YOU'RE DID, BUT YOU'RE NOT!" Peter screamed and slammed the door.

"YOU STOLE HIS EMO KID LINE TOO!"

"Lucy, shut it."

From inside Peter's room Lucy and Edmund heard, "Oh, Petey, baby, it's okay. They don't understand the love we share. You'll always be the one for me, and I'll never leave you. Death can't even tear us apart."

Lucy and Edmund struggled to not laugh. "Okay, so she's the star-crossed-lovers-meet-by-chance-and-swear-undying-love Mary Sue."

"He already had that one. Remember Maryleen Sutra?"

"Yeah, the Indian Princess who was undercover as a man, who revealed her girlytude to him in a night of passionate fury over his 'demeaning nature' towards women."

Lucy laughed. "I love how that played out. Sure he has two sisters who could easily kick his effeminate booty, but of course he hates girls!"

"He does have better hair than you."

"Did. He dyed it."

Edmund nodded, "You're so right."

Lucy whistled with a rubber chicken. "SUUUUUSANNNN!"

Susan looked up from her stop in front of the counter in the kitchen. "I CAN'T COME UPSTAIRS RIGHT NOW. I'LL SEND THE MAID!"

Edmund was entirely lost. Why was Lucy sending for Susan?

Up the stairs came a chicken. Lucy looked down at her summoning rubber whistle-chicken.

"Well. That's awkward."

Fortunately, to avoid anything more awkward, Edmund began to twitch violently. Flopping on the floor, he started to do the worm.

Peter, who always made everything worse, yelled, "COULD YOU QUIT YOUR SPASMS? I'M GETTING LAID IN HERE?"

Lucy's mouth dropped open. "You're getting WHAT? Peter, this is rated K+!"

"LAID!" Peter, of course, opened the door and revealed himself to be wearing an openfronted (yes, fansquee if you will, girlies) Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts and a bunch of leis.

"That pun was awful."

"Your FACE is awful!"

"You idea of good comebacks are awful."

"YOUR FACE IS AWFUL!"

"You JUST said that, you doof."

"Your FA – ooh, chicken!"

"PETER, THAT'S OUR MAID! No, wait that's our rubber whistle chicken. No, don't eat that, PETER!"

Edmund, throughout these double entendres and failed combacks, continued to twitch and do stuff that resembled dance moves. Sort of.

"YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND BABY RIGHT ROUND WHEN YOU GO – LET'S GET CRAZAAAAAY, GET UP AND DANCE – SUGAH bah dah bah dah bah bahhh AWWWW HONEY HONEY – MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUTTTTTTT YOU – CANNNN YOU FEEEEEEEEEEEL THE LOVEEEE TONIGHTTTT!"

Everyone stared. Edmund was dressed in a purple sparkly tank top, green tight leather pants, and a blue headband. His hair was spiked up with the tips tied green (this is for you, Monkey) and his microphone had rhinestones and pink stripes.

"AND I-EE-AAAAAY! WILL ALWAYS LU-HUV YOUU OH-WHOAAAAA – SHUT UP AND LET ME GO HEY! – YOU GOT ME PARRRRANOID – PUT YOUR HAWK TO THE SKY SWING SIDE TO SIDE – EVERYTIME WE'RE DOWN, YOU CAN MAKE IT RIGHT AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE LARGER THAN LIFE! Thank you all for listening to CONPC, the radio station sweeping Narnia with its incredible sound. This is your DJ Mumps McPoodle speaking, and we have an interview with Scrinklarg Marblehead." There was serious staring going on, because now Edmund's hair had was slightly smoother, and he had a mustache making a guest appearance.

"Edmund?"

"Oh, HELLO, little lady? Are you here to meet Scrinklarg Marblehead?"

Susan and Lucy stared with their mouths open. Peter would have been doing the same, but there was a parasite – I mean Marisa Suerena – attached to his mouth, therefore his mouth was opened, but –

Yeah you get it.

"Edmund, what the hell?"

"YES!"

Susan threw a small muffin at Edmund's head.

Which was now striped by a blue headband and spiky hair.

"OH EM GEE, finally my muffinnnnns! Ok, like, totally, for an agent, you SAHK." Edmund flipped his hair is a strange way. "Where's my soup, shorty?"

"I'm like 4 inches taller than you, Edmund. Get your own soup," said Susan, glaring, but still lacking a real personality.

"Here's your soup, Mr. Marblehead," said Lucy with a smirk. Susan paused time with her conveniently placed for literary convenience which the author usually hates but found amusing at the time 4th dimension controlling remote. "Luce, what are you DOING?"

"It's not really SOUP!"

"And?"

"Well, if he's the typical star – "

"Lucy, it's our brother with effeminate values. Not a star."

"He's having once of his issues, you dolt, ignore it. I'm giving him some of the cordial in the soup, because if I just gave her the cordial he'd reject it."

Susan smirked. "Did you catch one of those last words?"

"What?"

"You said 'her', not him."

"Oh. I was confused by my hair."

Susan depaused the time, accepting Lucy's choice.

"Thanks, Su! Sounds good!"

"HEL-LOOOOO! WHAT ABOUT ME?! I'M THE STAR HERE!" shouted Edmund pointing at himself. "You should be paying attention to ME."

"Oh! Sorry, Mr. Marblehead, I have your soup right here!"

Edmund – or Mr. Marblehead, whatever you want to call this loon on loon tablets – chugged the soup and started twitching.

"SUCCESS!"

"IT'S THE BEST!"

"OH YES!"

"LOOK AT MY TRESS-ES."

"Peter, shut up. Your rhyming skills fail like a boat in the Sahara."

"Your FACE fails!"

"Dear god, not again!"

Aslan appeared. "Wuddup, homies? You called the Jazz Master?" At that, Aslan began a strange little jig that involved hair gel, a candle, pie crust, crunchy peanut butter and a large mallet.

Lucy's mouth dropped open. "The Jazz…Whooziewhattie?"

It was now that the Authoress stepped in. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whooziewhattie? What are you, 12?"

"Actually, due to one timeline of the book, I'm only 8. And other timelines state that I am 7 in the first book. It's really all – "

"THIS IS ALTERNATE REALITY! YOU ARE CHARACTERS CREATED TO DO MY BIDDING!"

"EXCUSE ME!" shouted Edmund, who had now returned to his regular self. Authoress immediately melted.

"Yes, oh lovely one?"

"Could you shut up for a moment?"

Authoress would never tolerate this kind of treatment from anyone, but as Edmund is highly attractive she complied and nodded.

"Okay," said Peter, looking smug, "Back to the lines,"

"We don't have lines…" said Susan, "Authoress just has us say whatever pops into our or her head."

"I have lines," said a very confused Peter, trying to remove Marisa from his neck.

"That's because you're stupid, Pete," said Edmund smirking, "And since when has Marisa been a vampire?"

"She's not," said Susan, "She's just latched on to his neck. I think she's attempting a hickey."

"Hickeys are gross," stated Lucy, "Once, I was at the movies, and the two main characters were all over each other. Mom and Dad didn't know I was in the room, as I was wearing my invisibility cloak."

"Is this story going anywhere?" asked Edmund, reminiscent of the comment Andrew Adamson made in the commentary of the first movie.

The room went silent.

"I'M LEAVING!" screamed Lucy, running out the door and slamming into a mirror, "MOTHER LOVIN CHEESE SNAKES, WHO PUT THAT MIRROR THERE?!"

Everyone stared as she hopped around, clutching her foot, and fell out the window, conveniently falling into the literary convenience placed pool.

Everyone stared.

"WHY DID YOU PUT THAT MIRROR THERE, EDMUND?!" shouted Peter.

Edmund was confused. "Peter…This mirror is outside YOUR bedroom." To prove his point, Edmund moved the one step into Peter's room and leaned against the door. Peter followed him.

"And?"

"You must have moved it."

"And?"

"You're an idiot."

"But I'm a sexy idiot, right?"

"WHO ARE YOU, COSMO?!" shouted Susan, finally introducing a shadow of a personality. "Good lord, sometimes I think my hairbrush has a higher IQ than you do." Susan flounced into Peter's now Hawaiian themed room, throwing herself into his purple butterfly chair. Peter glared at her as the door swung closed.

"Get out of the chair."

"Sorry."

All of a sudden, they heard a slurping, slopping, dripping, dropping –

"AUTHORESS QUIT WITH THE RHYME!"

"Sorry Edmund."

Anyway, they began to hear terrifying noises, accompanied by water seeping in the room underneath the door. Peter heard Marisa Suerena scream, and heard her stumble down the stairs. His eyes went wide. "My love has been murdered. I must avenge her," he whispered, fury passing through his eyes like water through a drain.

"Wait for it…" said Susan.

"And she's actually dead…NOW!" said Edmund. Peter shook his head. "What the hell's with all these idiot Mary Sues attacking me?"

"Shhhhh!" said Susan, "Something's trying to enter the room."

The three of them imagined the frightful demon emerging from some far off forgotten lake, wanting to eat the hearts out of them, relishing their legs, their livers, their spleen.

The door creaked open. A small figure lifted its face up

"No…" said Peter.

"Um, can I ge' a tow'l?" said Lucy, shivering.

**A/N2: Yeah, I'm gonna admit it right here that the mirror thing happened to me. Yesterday. It hurt like nothing before.**

**Reasons why this is so ridiculous: watching Fairly Oddparents, flairing on facebook, waking up before 10 during summer vacation. Yeah, my brain is melting.**

**A review would be wonderful, but I won't be offended if I don't get many, as I know this is like 11 months late. God that makes me feel awful. Again, I'm SO sorry!**

**First person to correctly identify the two Star Trek references gets a guest appearance in the next chapter! If you think you have the two references, jot down a sentence or two of an idea where you'd like to be the guest appearance.**


	4. Visit from Hogwarts and Smoogly

**A/N: Hi again. As you will soon notice, there are a lot of stupid references to that new movie Orphan. A few people I know enjoy dorky horror movies, so I have a feeling I might have to go see it. Why not parody it before it even comes out?**

**Sorry if anyone likes that movie, I mean no offense. I happen to be a bit biased, as I freak out at every horror movie, so I obviously would dislike it. I mean no harm to those who enjoy horror movies.**

**Secondly, if this whole putting-other-works-into-this-Narnia-parody is far from good, let me know so I can quit doing it.**

**By the way, the pants are based on sweatpants my friend Victoria made for my friend Aidan. They are beyond amusing.**

**Note: I don't own Orphan, I don't own Narnia (ohhh how I wish I did…) and I don't own any of the other things you recognize in here. Like Veggie Tales. Though they do amuse me. A lot. I don't own Harry Potter either.**

"God is bigger than the *clap* boooogie man, he's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV – "

"Lucy, our whole existence is based on a thinly veiled Christian allegory. Is it really necessary to sing it blatantly?" said Edmund, thumbing through one of Susan's old books.

"Yeah, I know. But those songs are far too addictive."

Edmund sighed. "Luce, can you at least sing another one? That boogie man song is reminding me too much of that time a deranged and soaking wet villain broke into Peter's room," he shuddered. "That was one of the most terrifying moments anyone could have come up with. I don't even want to tell you about it, Lucy, I'd feel horrible if your fragile pre-pubescent mind was tarnished by that disgusting image."

Lucy glared. "Edmund?"

"Yes?" asked Edmund, not looking up from the book.

"That monster was me?"

He looked up. "Oh no. The monster was much more hideous than-oh wait that was you."

Lucy's eyes flashed red. "I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! I'LL BURN DOWN OUR HOUSE AND YOUR HUSBAND WON'T BELIEVE IT WAS ME. I WILL BECOME AN ORPHAN AND I WILL BE ANOTHER EVIL CHILD IN THE WORLD!"

"That sounds strangely like the plotline for that movie Orphan."

"WHY DOES EVERYONE TRY TO UNDERMINE MY DREAMS! AUTHORESS, YOU BETTER MAKE THIS TIME CUT GOOD!"

However, since Lucy was being a whiny brat, Authoress did the same as Andrew Adamson and sent Lucy from mildly annoyed to screw-up face'd in less than a second. Authoress smiled evilly.

"I knew everyone hated me!" And with that Lucy, doing what she does best, ran crying out of the room right into Tumnus, who noticed her distress and made her cake and a cup of tea.

"I think there's something wrong with Lucy," said Edmund to Susan who randomly appeared.

"Like we haven't known that from the day she was born. Hey what are you doing with my book?"

"I'm reading it. It's typically what you do with words on bound paper."

Susan rolled her eyes. "Yes, I know, but –"

"I am also getting astounded by how attractive this vampire seems."

Susan's mouth dropped open. "Edmund…Which…Vampire…Exactly?"

"The hot one!"

Susan continued to stare in confusion.

"You know, the one with the really sexy hair."

"Which one exactly?" asked Susan cautiously, knowing that one word could have half the Narnian fangirls in a fit of both rage and tears in less than a second.

"Rosalie. She seems like she'd be smoking'! Even though she has that wicked mean attitude, maybe she's secretly nice! I bet she'll warm up to this Bella chick someday."

Susan let out a whoosh of air, and landed once again in a purple butterfly chair that did not belong to her.

"Get out of the chair."

"Why are you two so possessive with the chairs?" said Susan, sighing angrily. She stood up and sat down hard on an angry mermaid.

"Get off of the mermaid."

"Why do you have a mermaid?"

Edmund squirmed in his seat. "Personal reasons."

Peter popped in, shirtless, on the back of a gryphon. "Personal reasons involving a mermaid? You wouldn't be talking about me now would you?"

The younger Pevensies blinked. "No. No we were not."

Peter sighed and leaped off the gryphon, who flew away singing Pokerface with a small hamster that seemed to have leapt from Peter's pants.

Speaking of Peter's pants, they were black leather, with purple and black rhinestones spelling out, "I'm So Excited!" on the rear.

"Then who were you talking about?" asked Peter, trying to conceal the hurt that there was a moment in which there was no mention of his lovely abs or even his mere existence.

"Edmund. He has a mermaid in his room."

Peter turned to Edmund, who had been trying to sneak out of the room using a strange piece of fabric.

"Edmund, where are you going?"

"You can't seeeee me. This is my invisibility cloak. I am invisible."

Susan and Peter stared, and saw the fabric more closely. "Edmund, that's Susan's coronation dress."

"No…" said Edmund in a voice that was an attempt at ghostly, "This is too terrrrifying to be a dresssssss."

Susan looked appalled. "Are you crazy? I spent months making that dress!"

"No you didn't," said Peter, glad the focus was back on his ab-tastic figure, "You spent months making small woodland creatures do your evil bidding."

"How is a coronation dress evil bidding?"

All of a sudden, Hermione Granger popped in and stared at the dress.

"Slave labor," said Hermione, breathing hard through her nose. "That's what made this dress. _Slave labor." _She looked up at Susan with a fire in her eyes. "You will regret this. I am now making a new organization."

Susan stared, still missing any sense of this conversation and the insertion of this raving lunatic with big hair and big teeth. "What?"

"I'm creating SWASFOMSOPABQ."

"Say WHAT?" said all three remaining Pevensies.

"Small Woodland Animals Shouldn't Feel Obligated to Make Stupid Outfits to Please A Bratty Queen."

All the Pevensies stared, but Edmund recovered first. "Swas-fom-so-pab-kwuh?"

"YES YOU TERRIBLE PEOPLE!"

Susan, however, wouldn't take this sitting down. So she stood up. "I'ma check yo Hogwarts bum! There's only room in this story for one overly hormonal teenage girl!"

"OH NO, YOU DI-INT!" shouted Hermione, "Bring it on, cheeseface!"

The two started spinning around each other, death in each others eyes. Edmund and Peter could just feel the anger rolling off of them.

No, seriously, I'm not kidding. Little balls of anger kept sliding down each of their backs and kicking Peter and Edmund in the face, which is the reason they couldn't and wouldn't stop the ensuing argument.

"I CHOOSE YOU, FAWKES THE PHOENIX!" shouted Hermione, waving her wand viciously.

"I CHOOSE YOU, MR. BEAVER!" shouted Susan, flipping her hair menacingly.

Both animals zoomed in threw a window behind Peter, and promptly knocked him into the mermaid that started this whole mess. She giggled childishly as she realized Peter in his ab-tastic glory was in her vicinity.

No one noticed as she introduced herself as "Marinaqua Suermaid."

"Oi! Why am I here, Susan, I was in the middle of my daily game of strip poker with Tumnus."

In the distance, one could hear Pokerface sung again by the gryphon. Most brushed it off as a coincidence.

"SQUAAAAAAAAWK!" said Fawkes.

"Please, Fawkes, leave your prejudices behind. Just because they are pasty pale -"

"HEY!" shouted Susan, appalled.

"Sorry. But you are."

"SQUAAAAWKA SQUAWK!" interrupted Fawkes again.

"Yes, I understand it is against your common nature to exist in alternate realities."

Fawkes' eyes became sad. "Squizawk?"

Hermione sighed. "No, this universe will not let you be the first rapping phoenix either."

"Squahawkpawk?"

"No, not even saving a small child from a well will help."

"SQUAWK." And with that last statement of well executed anger, Fawkes the phoenix went out of this universe and back into his own.

Hermione looked at Susan and her irritated little friend.

"Hello, small woodland creature, are you suffering from oppression from this violent and menacing queen?"  
"Um. No? She's way better than the other queen we had. And she's not even the highest leader. She's just queen. Peter's the high King.

"The hot guy?"

Mr. Beaver looked awkward. "I, uh, I can't really make those judgements, Miss. I'm married."

Hermione nodded. "Understood, small mammal."

Mr. Beaver's eyes flashed and with an almighty "DO NOT MOCK MY HEIGHT, SERVING WENCH" he slapped Hermione back into her universe with his large tail.

"Thank you," said Susan, "I knew there was a reason I brought you here."

"Now," said Susan, as she gently shooed her little anger balls away from her petrified and mentally scarred brothers, "Edmund, why were you reading my book?"

"I was bored."

"Well, did you like it?"

"Very much," said Edmund, ignoring the slight twitch in his eye, "Hey the doctor vampire character reminds me of that guy who visited earlier…"

"You're crazy!" said Susan, laughing.

"Yes," said Edmund, "I'M FRIGGIN NUTSO!" Edmund began doing some serious screaming and running around the house, stealing Susan's forgotten coronation dress again

Peter and Marinaqua stared, half naked and both covered with lipstick.

"Aslan's mane, Peter, not another Mary Sue! And right when you're brother's having a mental breakdown!"

"Well," said Peter as Marinaqua tickled him with her fish tail, "Edmund's always having a mental breakdown. And this is different. Marinaqua isn't a Mary Sue. She's the love of my young and restless life." And with that, Peter stole away with his "love" and ignored Susan's shouts of "BUT SHE'S NOT REAL!"

Strange noises came from the kitchen cabinet. No one wanted to know what, "Ow! Why am I getting poked in the arm by the mop?" or "No, no, no, that is no how you shuck corn, Peter, you must wait until it's ripe," or the horrifying, "To make the perfect beef stew, one must cook the carrots and potatoes together before putting them into the stew to prevent raw vegetables from entering the stew."

"WHY MUST I BE STUCK WITH A STRANGE FAMILY?!" shouted a distraught Susan, sobbing into her room.

Seconds later, a significantly more happy Lucy returns to the scene of all of these problems. "Where'd you all go? Edmund? Peter? Susan?"

Lucy's lip began to tremble, when all of a sudden, Mr. Tumnus returned. "Hi, Lucy, what's wrong now?"

"My," she said, holding back tears, "My siblings have all left me! I am but a small girl!"

"They left you?" asked Tumnus, shocked.

"Yes!" Lucy buried herself in the fawn's arms.

"They'll come back when you call them. Maybe they just can't take it in. No need to say goodbye. This is home. This is finally where you belong. Just do a dance around the memory tree."

"YOU AREN'T HELPING!" yelled Lucy, crying into Tumnus' arms again. Unfortunately, he pushed her off.

"Well no wonder they ditched you!"  
"What?"

He sighed. "You're such a friggin crybaby!"

"STOP IT!" and, realizing she no longer had anyone to cry at, she ran into Edmund bedroom, stole his hair dye, became raven-haired, and tattooed "my heart is a black hole of darkness" over her heart. Gone was the innocent, carefree little Lucy we'd all known.

She was now…Smoogly, Empress of Darkness.

"Psst," she said to the Authoress, "It's time for you to end this now."

"What?" asked the Authoress, extremely distracted, "What was that?"

"End the story."

"Why?"

"We had the epic exit of normal Lucy. It's a perfect place to stop."

Re-reading the story, Authoress had no choice but to agree with Lucy -

"SMOOGLY!"

Smoogly, she had no choice but to agree with Smoogly.

"Why the heck did you choose Smoogly?"

"It sounded intimidating at the time!"

Authoress sighed. "Fine then. Back to the story?"

"Finally, you numskull!"

"Hey! I'll make you bald again!"  
Lucy/Smoogly immediately retracted her insult. "Sorry!"

Luc-Smoogly, I mean, snagged a cloak out of thin air and wrapped it around her like Dracula.  
"Now," said the newly christened Smoogly, "I shall construct my revenge against all those who've scorned me. MWAHAHAHAHAH!"

**A/N2: Wow. That made no sense. If this isn't funny at all, I'm sorry.**

**I need a life so badly. Maybe the stupidity will be enough to make you guys laugh. **

**The Star Trek thng from last chapter is still going on. Same rules, just there's nothing in this chapter that has anything to do with it.**

**Hope you guys liked this somehow! Review if you will! I love you all!**


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